Ellipses

Therapy today. And I realize she may be one of the few people I haven’t scared away. With each new person you let in, you think, maybe this will be the one that stays? So I let out a little more, just enough. There’s not much you can fit into an hour anyway, but its enough to test the waters and make sure that next week, and the next and the next I will be safe to share a little more.

Today I said something in therapy out loud that startled even me. There is not one person in my entire life that knows me all the way, all of my sides. That know my good angles enough to make the bad ones bearable. It’s like I’ve compartmentalized everyone so they only get one page. That way, if they don’t like me, if they want to leave, it’s a tiny burn. I can throw my hands in the air and say, “they never really knew me at all.” Feel free to throw away that

one-dimensional view you had of me, that can’t possibly hurt. Except… I want to let at least one person inside, all of the way. To feel that level of trust and being a part of something. I’m always outside this window looking in.

Progress. And now I fully appreciate the line “one foot in front of the other,” because reality is, that’s how every day is going to feel. Some days, I will just barely make it through…but if I make it? There’s that.

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